


Soteriophobia

by madamedicelia



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Emotional, Other, Phobias, Reader-Insert, soteriophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-15
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-08 21:25:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1137554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamedicelia/pseuds/madamedicelia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Despite being friends for so long, Iceland is still trying to deal with his fear of being dependent on people, especially his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soteriophobia

“Hey, Emil, want to pass me the end of the lights?” you asked as you balanced precariously on a chair, pressing the end of the lights to the doorframe. 

You were hanging up fairy lights around the room as decorations for yours and Emil’s First Snow party. You had hosted one almost every year since fifth grade. The tradition had started when you had a couple friends come over on a snow day. Riding the sugar high from multiple cups of hot chocolate and sweets, you had vowed to have such a party every year after the first snow. Antonio and Gilbert had held you to this pledge. They showed up next year in almost knee-deep snow with arms full of candy and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Emil had been your friend for longer than you could remember and silently agreed to the celebration. He would usually show up early to help set up while you both snacked on one of the many boxes of his favorite licorice, salmiakki.

“Sure,” Emil responded and held up the end of the lights. You took it, fingers brushing, and draped it over the top of the door. Emil steadied the end as it tumbled down the other side of the door. 

“Thanks, Ice,” you smiled and hopped down from the chair. Ice was the nickname you’d given your friend due to his chilly exterior. The corner of his mouth twitched as Emil tried to hide a smile from hearing his moniker. 

Emil had always been there for you. He would help with little things like this or when you tried to be creative and sew he would be your model. He would stay, griping as usual, even as you accidentally stabbed him with pins as you struggled to make the garment work. He’d always listen and offer advice when you told him your problems. He’d tutor you when you couldn’t understand chemistry equations or grasp the plot of a Shakespearean play. Emil had taught you how to ice skate, holding your hand the whole time and catching you when you tripped over the blades. When everything seemed to be going wrong, Emil would be the one constant, the one who would be a shoulder to cry on but also the one who would yell at you for being stupid and knock some sense into you. 

You walked across the room to loop even more lights around the table and up to the ceiling where it would swing gently, lending the room a fire-lit feel. The swaying bulbs cast light on the room like a fire’s crackling flames. 

Ice moved a chair to hang up giant paper snowflakes you’d made together. He was a bit too short to reach the high ceiling but tried nevertheless. His finger, covered in tape that would attach the snowflake to the top of the room, missed the plaster by mere centimeters. You would help but knew Emil too well to attempt such a thing. Ever since you’d known him, Emil always insisted on doing things himself and refused any assistance, even if he obviously needed it. 

Your thoughts wandered and your mind travelled back to through a winding path of old memories, stopping briefly to look at the past scenes. For all of Emil being there for you, he never seemed to reciprocate. You remembered how independent Emil always was, or at least how much he strived for it. When he was nearly failing math, he denied all tutors instead choosing to hole himself up in his room for hours trying to understand the mathematical concepts. He’d always do things like that, even if it made life harder for him. You wondered if it was worth the effort to be friends with him, putting up with his hissy fits when you did something for him and dealing with his lack of emotion.

As you rearranged the bowls of food and straightened the tablecloth, you recalled one of the few times Ice had loosened up. 

~flashback~

One summer you and Emil were climbing the tree in his backyard, pretending to be owners of certain branches as if they were building and the tree was a town. You were running and hanging from the branches without a care. Emil had such a genuine smile on his face that day, his laugh loud as you clowned around. So rarely had you seen pure, carefree joy on his face that you would have done anything to make it last. 

“Hey, ___, look what I can do!” he giggled as he hung from a high branch using only his arms.

You chuckled, happy that Ice was happy. “You’re like a squirrel!”

Emil looked at you, purple eyes sparkling with laughter. The sun shone through the leaves, highlighting his pale hair. He lowered himself, carefully positioning himself on the thin branch beneath him. At that moment, Emil’s foot missed and he fell from his high perch in the tree. He made no noise as he plummeted, not even when he hit the ground. The only sound was the wind and leaves rustling. 

“Emil!” you screamed in terror as you immediately scrambled down as fast as you could, sneakers sliding from poor placement. 

Ice was curled up in a ball, clutching his ankle, eye squeezed tightly shut. He had cuts and scrapes on his arms and dirt on his arms from landing.

“Emil, do you need help? Are you okay?” you asked worriedly, tears springing to the corners of your eyes. 

He didn’t respond for several minutes. You panicked and were about to run for help when he pulled your sleeve. With a determined yet pained look, he managed to say, “I’ll be okay. It’s not that bad. I just need some ice.”

You laid a gentle hand on his shoulder and helped him hobble back to the house. “Are you sure you don’t want me to call for help or Lukas?” you asked, handing a sack of frozen peas to Emil.

“It’s nothing,” he waved his hands as if that would wipe away your concern. “I was just shocked from falling; I didn’t expect it.” He winced from the cold, makeshift ice pack.

That day you both stayed inside and played board games. Emil refused to let you call anyone, vehemently insisting he was fine. Against your better judgment, you complied with him. He put on a good act that day, pretending like he was uninjured, save for staying in one place. The next day, Emil had showed up on crutches with a sprained ankle. His brother Lukas had forcibly brought him to the hospital for treatment. Ice couldn’t weasel his way out of it. His retaliation only resulted in Norge forcing him to use the crutches. 

~End Flashback~

You snapped out of your reverie when Emil jumped to the floor with a loud thump after somehow managing to hang up all the paper snowflakes. 

“Thanks, Emil. I really appreciate it,” you chirped.

“It’s nothing,” he mumbled and hid his face by putting the chair away.

You smiled at his back. Despite everything, Emil was your best friend, the one you trusted and loved most in this world. 

The doorbell rang and you rushed to answer it. 

“Happy First Snow!” Gilbert, Francis and Antonio shouted and enveloped you in a tight hug. 

You laughed and shoved them away, shivering from the half-melted snow and chill on their coats. “Happy First Snow, guys!”

And so the party began. 

All you other friends showed up shortly after; Alfred laughing loudly while Arthur glared at him even as a smile grew on his face too; Matthew looking shy but quickly joining the melee; Elizaveta and Lili shaking their heads as they grinned at the chaos. 

Emil, never one for large crowds, sat off to the side and observed the mess. You tried to get him to join and when he rebuffed your imploring, sat with him, enjoying the comfortable silence as you watched everyone interact. Elizaveta and Gilbert tried to see who could fit more marshmallows in their mouths while Alfred cheered. Lili and Matthew dared each other to try salmiakki and made faces when the salty treat hit their tongues. Francis would a move on Arthur, who shoved a cupcake in the Frenchman’s face. You giggled and looked to Ice to see if he was laughing too. Most people would think he was bored but you could see the sparkle in his eyes and the corner of his mouth quirk. 

Eventually one of the boys would drag you back into the ruckus and you would be subjected to weird First Snow traditions such as seeing who could eat an ice cube fastest or chugging apple cider. You would always glimpse at Emil to make sure he was entertained as well. As the night wore on he became more comfortable, even joining in on the fluffy bunny challenge though he threw the game when he saw how gross and spit-filled it could get. Eleven o’clock rolled around and the partygoers started departing, in fits of giggles and stomachs full of chocolate and sweets. 

“Wasn’t that freaking amazing, Ice?” you laughed as you fell back on the couch, breathing in deeply. 

“It was fun,” he said leaning over the back of the couch. His silvery dripped forward, framing his violet eyes. He looks really cute like that, you thought. You instantly shoved those thoughts away though their taste lingered. One could say you had a bit of a crush on Ice but refused to acknowledge it. It could never happen. Your friendship was worth too much to let a little infatuation ruin it. 

“Well, I suppose we should clean up,” you groaned as you sat up. Emil wasn’t expecting it and your faces came surprisingly close. “Sorry,” you mumbled, blushing. He grunted and turned away as well. 

You started to pile up the bowls and dumped them in the sink. You’d wash them later. The door slammed. You leaned over the counter to look outside. In the dim streetlight you saw Emil dragging a bag of trash to the trashcan. The loaded bag left a trail in the already melting snow. 

There was also a group of boys traversing the road. When they stepped into the light, you recognized their faces. They were the idiots that bullied Emil. Ice, of course, denied that he was bullied but anyone could see it. They made fun of him in class and snickered behind his back as they spread rumors. 

“What are those assholes doing here?” you muttered angrily. 

The bullies crossed into your yard and stalked up the Emil, clearly calling out insults and jeers. They swaggered up to Ice, raising their arms and laughing harshly. 

You let out an obscenity. If your grandma had heard it she would’ve made you wash your mouth out with soap. They had never hurt Emil before but you could tell by their drunken swagger that they’d been drinking. You crashed through the door, not bothering to get a jacket, and ran outside. 

“Emil!” you shouted.

“Stay back, ____,” he yelled back, waving his hand. As if he could shoo you away.

“Oi! Blockheads! What’re you doing here? Leave!” you barked as you marched closer.

“____, don’t! This is my-.” Emil was cut off by one of the boys punching him in the gut. Ice bend over, falling to his knees in pain.  
“Emil!” you shrieked and ran to his side. 

Ice didn’t reply. The wind had literally been knocked out of him.

The spark of annoyance suddenly ignited into a blazing flame of anger. No one was allowed to hurt your friends. No one. This was unacceptable. You stepped forward and socked the culprit in the jaw. You weren’t strong enough to cause serious damage but the whop had caused the boy to bite his lip hard enough to break skin and blood oozed from the wound. The adrenaline rushed through your veins, numbing the throbbing in your hand. 

“Sent your little girlfriend to protect you, huh, Emil?” the thug jeered. 

“S-shut up!” Emil tried to yell but he still hadn’t caught his breath yet.

“Does little Emil need a girl to fight his battles? Can’t do it yourself?” the boy continued to taunt. “Can’t you do anything on your own?”

“Hey! He said shut up, you bunch of oafs. Get lost!” Feeling invincible, you tried to swing at them again.

However, the brute caught your fist and twisted your arm. You screamed in pain and pulled back. He was drunk enough that you could extract your limb though your elbow was screeching in agony. 

Emil called out your name as you fell back in the snow, the cold seeping through your pants. With renewed vigor, Ice shoved the bullies back, if only a foot or two. 

“I’ve already called the cops. You better leave if you don’t want to get arrested,” Emil hissed.

At the mention of police, the thugs scrambled in fear, too drunk to realize Emil had been curled up in pain the whole time and incapable of calling anyone. 

“Cowards,” you swore, cradling your arm. It wasn’t broken nor sprained, thankfully. It just ached from the hyperextension.

“Are you alright, ____?” Emil asked worriedly, checking you over.

“I’m fine. It’s you I’m worried about; that punch looked strong,” you countered.

“It just knocked the air out of me; I used it as a ruse to text Norge to drive here,” Emil explained.

You sighed in relief. “Thank goodness for that.”

Suddenly, Emil furrowed his eyebrows. “Why did you do that? What were you thinking? Those guys were double your size. They could’ve really hurt you,” he said with barely controlled fury. 

Hurt by his anger, you said, “Well, they were going to beat you up. I had to save you.”

“I don’t need saving! I can take care of myself, ____,” he said irately.

“What’s with you?” you said, irked. “I was not going to sit by and watch those idiots hurt you!”

“I never asked you to save me, ____!” Emil shouted back.

“What is wrong with you, Emil? I’m your friend; it’s my job to save you. But you just throw that in my face. You never trust me with anything. Not even after all these years. Hell, I don’t even know your middle name!” You sucked in a deep, ragged breath as you tried to calm yourself.

He nervously ran his hands through his hair in despair, looking everywhere but at you. “____,” His voice cracked. “You don’t understand. I can take care of myself,” he implored. 

You took his face in your hands, forcing him to look at you. “Emil. You can’t go through life all alone. Everyone needs help sometimes. It’s okay.” You stroked his face with your thumbs, watching as the tears built up in his eyes but refused to slip over. “I’m your best friend; I’m here to help you, Emil. You can depend on me.”

Unable to respond, Emil’s lips quivered though he pressed them hard together. The blockade of tears finally gave up, spilling over his eyelids and running down his cheeks. He swallowed hard and cried, “Can’t you see, ____? I can’t depend on anyone. I- I’m scared. I’m terrified of depending on anyone. It scares me so much. Don’t you understand?”

You wiped away his tears. “Why? What’s so wrong with trusting someone?” you whispered.

“They always leave. Mathias came and made me and Lukas so happy but then just left. He didn’t even try to stay. We got so close and then nothing. Now Lukas has to work all the time so I barely see him. Then, people always use me, always. I used to try so hard to please everyone but it just ended up with them backstabbing me or abandoning me. It hurts. After I’ve started to trust them and lean on them, they just go away. Everyone always leaves.” Emil had given up on trying to be stoic and was weeping freely. “I’m so scared of trusting someone again only to have them leave. I can’t deal with that anymore, ____, I just can’t. I can’t bear that kind of loss again.” Ice covered his face with his hands as he sunk to his knees, the snow crunching under his weight. 

You knelt down in front of him, hands on his shaking shoulders. “Ice, I’m so sorry that all happened to you. I wish I’d known. I’m so sorry,” you trailed off as you pulled him into a tight hug. He clutched onto you for dear life. You could feel his tears seeping through your sweater. 

You felt so bad for him. So sorry for him that so much shit had happened to him, things he couldn’t control but that still affected him a lot. Every experience with trusting someone had ended up badly; it was no wonder he was so scared of being dependent on anyone ever again. No one could blame him for trying to protect himself. 

After his sobs subsided, you pulled back gently. “I’m sorry that all that shit happened to you, Emil, I really am. You had some really sucky experiences with some crappy people. But you need to know you can trust me. I won’t hurt you. I won’t leave you. Ever. I swear,” you reassured him soothingly.

“Are you sure?” he asked, sniffling. 

“I’ve always been there for you and I still am.” You smiled crookedly. “Hell, I punched a dude for you, Emil,” you joked, trying to make him feel better.

Ice grinned a Mona Lisa grin “It won’t be easy, though, _____. I’ve been training myself to be independent almost all my life. It’s hard to break habit,” he warned.

“I’ll be right here for you,” you stated. “Always.”

Emil enveloped you in a hug and mumbled into your hair, “I love you.”

You grinned as your heart swooned. “I love you, too,” you sighed into his neck, your breath curling around in a transient white cloud.

“Since I’m going to try trusting again,” Ice started nervously. “I have one thing I want you to know.”

You tilted your head and looked at him, searching his eyes for some hint. “You can tell me anything.”

His arms still rested on your shoulders and he twirled a piece of your hair nervously around his fingers. “Well,” he stammered. “It’s not really something I want to say as much as do.”

Ice leaned forward, eyes half-lidded, giving you a chance to pull away. You closed your eyes and felt his cold lips just barely brush against your own. You tugged him closer softly and pressed your lips together in a proper kiss. You felt his mouth move against yours, his lips tasting of salty salmiakki and tears. Cupping his cheek with your hand, you turned your head slightly to get closer. Emil reluctantly pulled away, coming apart only because you both needed a breath. 

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a while,” Ice exhaled, cheeks pink.

You opened your mouth to reply when you heard crunching snow. You both turned to see who it was.

“I take it this isn’t why you called me here?” Lukas said as he walked over to them. 

“Lukas!” you and Ice exclaimed, flying apart.

“I’d say I can go but I’m interested in what’s happening here,” Lukas smirked. His grin slowly changed when he saw the bruises starting to form on your arm and the scrapes on Emil’s hands. That wasn’t to mention you were both shivering and wet from the snow.  
“Inside. Now,” Lukas ordered, pointing to the door.

Once inside, Norge made some instant hot chocolate and covered you two in blankets. Sitting in the kitchen, you and Emil retold all of the recent happenings, carefully omitting certain events (read: them making out), even though Lukas definitely already knew. Needless to say, Norge was not happy with the altercation and was determined to stop the brutes, especially when Emil told him they have been bullying him for a while now. 

A week later and Lukas had taken care of the bullies. You helped Emil gradually get over his phobia of depending on people, doing small things at first then escalating to deeper secrets and trusting each other completely. Some nights you would stay up till the wee hours just talking. Of course, Ice being Ice would argue passionately on some points but you enjoyed that fire and ardor, gladly taking up the opposite side just for debate’s sake. Norge was mystified when Emil suddenly started acting brotherly again but just smiled and went along with it. He was secretly pleased to have Ice behave so unreservedly for the first time in a long while. You, of course, loved and savored every moment of the whole journey. Never again was Ice afraid of being left alone or abandoned. He finally had realized he wasn’t alone and never would be.

**Author's Note:**

> Soteriophobia is the fear of dependence on others, just because I didn't outright say it anywhere :P Also, originally wrote this for a contest on dA, wish me luck! :3


End file.
